OK it's our final rehearsal day and I'm soooo excited. I've been busy all week sorting out our corsages much to the detriment of my knitted Archbishop of Canterbury who is currently not looking in any fit state to conduct a wedding.
One corsage each, hope you like..
There's a box of pins so if you could fix this discreet little installation to your person tomorrow that would be ideal and won't we all look grand.
I just wanted a quick run through of the final arrangements. Here's the official dovegreyreader guest list for the Abbey, [grandparents name] [first pet] - [road you grew up in] and I have to say, what a distinguished party we make...
Lady Nellie Sparky-Russell
Lord William Patch-Fullers
Lady Ada Hickory-Washington
Lady Florence Martha-Queensbury
Lady Hartha Malkin-Redwood.
Lady Ellen Sooty-Marmora
Lady Mary Binkie-Dibbs
Lady Lillian Sooty-Tamar
Lady Frideswide Abdul-Whinney
Lady Cecilia Marmaduke-Chessenden
Lady Kathleen Alfred-Edwardes
Lady Florence Penny-Montpelier
Lady Francis Scotch-Broughton
Lady Olwen Ziggy-Cavendish
Lady Isabel Digby-Chilston
Lady Alice Swimmy-Kingsfield
Lady Lillian Squidgy-North
Lady Beatrice Rosie-Cecil
Lady Amelia-May Snow-Clarence
Lady Daisy Benjy-Shepherd
Lady Alice Hoppity-Larkins
Lady Feigy Tufty-Walm
Lady Beatrice Abner-Westmoreland
Lady Harriet Jade-Caldicote
Lady Louisa Billie-Seneca.
Lady Beatrice Ginger-Walker
Lady Edith Muzzi-St.Clements
Lady Helen Rajah-Overbrook
Lady Dorothy Dandy-Princes
Lady Eleanora Le Touquet-Southend
Lady Annie Smudge-Millview
Lady Elizabeth Timmy-Tyringham
Lady Ada Punkin-Hill
Lady Violet Fluffy-Stoney
Lady Audrey Milton-Guscott
Lady Alma Rags-Oranut.
Lady Geraldine Rodney-Somerset
Lady Ada Terry-Lightbowne
Lady Mary Shakespeare-Tidcombe
Lord William Binky-Queensholm
Lady Dorothy Mitzi St Margaret
Lady Anastasia Sam-Oldoak
Lady Violet Rose Ophelia-Saffron
Lady Sylvia Blitzen-Ridgedale
Lady Violet Alice-Vaucluse
Lady Emma Trixie-Knoll
Lady Emily Rayner-St Martin
Lady Malkin-Redwood
Lady Fanny Snowy-Gladstone
Lady Messoda Fuzzy-Chancellor
Lady Winifred Corrie-Gloucester
Lady Dorothy Bob-Jackson
Lady Elizabeth Timmy-Tyringham
Lady Iris Bernie-Westend
Lord George Bridie-Roselands
Lady Renee Bandit-Cowes
Doing refreshments - Smuttie Schottenring
- Algernon Oswaldthistlethwaite
If your name is listed then you're in and on the seating plan (sort of) even better if you could embroider your full name on an outer garment for ease of identification. Can we all be gathered at the Great West door of Westminster Abbey by 10.15am prompt ..it's this big one under the pointy window (not the one under the round window, that's for the commoners) you can't miss it.
That gives us time for a quick catch up on what we've been reading and then I've arranged for us to enter the Abbey just before HM The Queen and Prince Philip and the other Royals.
Sorry but there will be a bit of a pat-down search before we're allowed in but I've enlisted the best help I could find and Il Divo have agreed to sing while they...er ..pat.

If we could process down the aisle in step, right foot leading and at a measured pace, please be sure not to tread on the Tomb of the Unknown Warrior, but do wave to anyone you know of course and then we'll need to peel off (not clothes) ... half of us are helping to bulk out the Middletons in the North Lantern and the other half supporting the Royals in the South Lantern, reserved seating of course and there will be a name on your seat. It might be someone else's but don't worry about that, just screw it up and say you got there first.
Dress code...well the posher the better though I'm sticking with the thermals and I'll have Offspringette's Ugg boots on because you know how hellish cold these old church floors can be. I'll also be armed with a cushion and I don't go anywhere without my Kindle these days either.
Afterwards I've pulled a few strings and as we already have the Team Tolstoy troika harnessed up we'll be part of the main carriage procession back to the palace...vitally important that everyone wears gloves for the waving. I suggest home-knitted muffattees because you can never be sure of the temperature at this time of year, plus it seems a shame for us to have survived the Battle of Austerlitz only to get frostbite along the Mall leaving us depleted for the 250 pages of Borodino to come, and if we could share knee blankets too. Balaclavas probably best left at home. Fergie did ask if she could sneak in with us on the troika but I'm afraid, as she isn't reading War & Peace this year, I had to say no.
These are approximate timings but of course there will be a huge number of people who know us along the way so we might slow things up a bit, but the Palace have agreed that's all fine and the aeroplane flyover thing can be shunted back a bit if needs be. Rain is forecast but since when did that bother us, so we may need to do a sort of aerial tortoise-phalanx formation of brollies.
So here's our schedule and I've highlighted the most important bits for your attention. Note the timing of our arrival, I have negotiated this with the Palace explaining that 8.15am was just a tad early for us because by 11am and after that early morning pot of tea..well...
8.15 -9.45am The general congregation will arrive at the Great North Door of Westminster Abbey.
From 9.50am Governors-General and Prime Ministers of Realm Countries, the Diplomatic Corps, and other distinguished guests arrive at the Abbey.
10.10am The Bridegroom and Prince Henry of Wales leave Clarence House for Westminster Abbey. They arrive at the Abbey at 10.15am.
10.20am Members of Foreign Royal Families arrive at Westminster Abbey from Buckingham Palace.
10.20am Mrs. Michael (Carole) Middleton and Mr. James Middleton leave the Goring Hotel for Westminster Abbey. They arrive at the Abbey at 10.27am.
10.25am Members of the Royal Family (except those listed below) leave Buckingham Palace for Westminster Abbey. They arrive at the Abbey at 10.30am.
10.32am The official dovegreyreader party enters the Abbey by the Great West Door and processes down the aisle taking every chance to ask people what they are reading and share book recommends on the way ...subsequent timings may run a little later than scheduled.
10.35am The following Members of the Royal Family leave Buckingham Palace for Westminster Abbey. They arrive at the Abbey at 10.40am:
The Duke of York
Princess Beatrice of York
Princess Eugenie or York
The Earl and Countess of Wessex
The Princess Royal and Vice Admiral Timothy Laurence
10.38am The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall leave Clarence House for Westminster Abbey. They arrive at the Abbey at 10.42am.
10.40am The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh leave Buckingham Palace for Westminster Abbey. They arrive at the Abbey at 10.45am.
10.48am The Bridesmaids and Pages leave the Goring Hotel for Westminster Abbey. They arrive at the Abbey at 10.55am.
10.51am The Bride, accompanied by Mr. Michael Middleton, leaves the Goring Hotel for Westminster Abbey.
11.00am The Marriage Service begins. The Marriage Service will be relayed by audio speakers along the Route. The dovegreyreader contingent have been asked to sing Bring Me Sunshine as the happy couple leave the Abbey... can we rely on someone for a prefectly -pitched A flat please?
12.15pm The Carriage Procession of the Bride and Bridegroom with a Captain’s Escort of the Household Cavalry, followed by The Queen’s Procession with a Sovereign’s Escort of the Household Cavalry, leaves Westminster Abbey for Buckingham Palace.
12.20pm The dovegreyreader Team Tolstoy troika, with a Sovereign's escort of the Royal Hussars, balalaikas and cossack dancing, will be providing knitted blankets for the Royal knees as well as their own, and will follow the wedding carriage closely. Should a Royal horse be taken lame we can manage with two and supply a spare.. does anyone have emergency harnessing skills /ostler capabilities? Preferably at Level 3 NVQ?
12.30pm The Bride’s Carriage Procession arrives at Buckingham Palace with the Team Tolstoy troika right behind. We will therefore be the first to congratulate the Royal couple and wish them every happiness for the future and I feel sure Wills and Catherine will want to thank us for the singing.
12.40pm Members of the Royal Family and Members of Foreign Royal Families arrive at Buckingham Palace. They may need to use the tradesman's entrance as there are quite a lot of the dovegreyreader party and ten minutes isn't long to get us all unloaded.
From 12.40pm Other guests for the Reception arrive at Buckingham Palace but the dovegreyreader party goes in ahead of them for the main photos
1.25pm The Queen and the Bride and Bridegroom, together with their Families, appear on the Balcony along with the dovegreyreader contingent...haven't you always wondered what that room's like behind the balcony?
1.30pm Fly Past by the Royal Air Force and Battle of Britain Memorial Flight. Please know your Spitfires (top) from your Lancasters (bottom) to impress Philip, Charles etc and you might want to bring along some ear plugs for this.
General points of etiquette...
Don't touch the Queen...unless she touches you first that is, in which case all's fair etc.
Call her Ma'am to rhyme with jam.
Do laugh at all Prince Philip's jokes, he wrote the foreword to the Tinker's book, he's a mate.
Don't kick the corgis no matter how tempting.
Don't mention the Romanovs.
Don't mention Wallis Simpson.
If you see Camilla taking a crafty fag break indoors please warn her of the dangers of passive smoking to the rest of us and ask her to step out onto the balcony to light up.
I'm afraid if you are not on the guest list you will have to watch it on the tele but don't worry, you can be getting the street party sorted.
If you could be cutting the crusts off the cucumber sarnies and make sure the urn is switched on that would be a great help. We'll be done and dusted and gasping for a cup of tea by about 2pm so we'll come back, kick off our shoes and tell you all about it.
PS If you can't spot Lady Nellie Sparky-Russell there tomorrow it's because she's in the Tower.
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